Second Date Dilemma

I did promise to keep everyone updated with my online dating adventure, and so here I am reporting back to you all about date number two with Mr.1stDate. It had happened exactly one week ago, and I really don’t know why I did not feel the need to write about it any sooner.  Truth is the date itself actually went perfectly, yet I still feel ambivalent about potentially seeing him again.

After many failed attempts we finally had our hiking date that we had been texting back and forth about for over a month at this point. It was nothing grueling, nothing that took an over whelming amount of energy, just a simple nature hike. It was slightly drizzling outside and yet I still felt as if walking around in the woods seemed like such a brilliant idea. So we walked and we talked (well I mostly talked, he listened…he is pretty quiet, although I was able to get a bit out of him). On our path we came across a small bench and decided to sit for a few moments. As we talked I slowly noticed his arm working its way around me, and I did very little to stop it. It was nice, just sitting there among all the trees and for a moment it felt so familiar and okay.

We eventually got up and started walking around again. We talked about family, what we wanted to do with our futures, our friends, we never ran out of things to talk about. When it was finally time for us to part he walked me to my car (well actually he decided pick me up and to carry me to my car for what reason I don’t know…but I wont get into all that now). I forgot what exactly we were talking about but I turned to point out something in the back seat of my car. I suddenly felt his body against mine, his fingers inter linked with mine, my heart stopped for a moment. I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be held. The feeling and touch that had been void in my life for over two years now.

It’s the feeling those of us who are single simply block out of our mind. You forget about the simple comfort of feeling someones arms around you, the feeling of protection and human contact. Some who are single simple cannot live with out this feeling and find themselves in the arms of those they care little about, simply needing that human contact to not develop a case of failure to thrive (if such thing was possible to develop as an adult…being single could cause it).

I wont lie the date itself was perfect, but I knew from the moment I drove away that it had not been with the right person. I could go on date number three simply for the sake of dating and giving it all a chance, but I know there is very little potential for any kind of meaningful and realistic relationship to grow between us two. I think the date itself had created such perfection and such a rush in my mind simply because I had been longing to be held even for a second (the lack of human contact was something  my mind had attempted to block out).

So I wonder would human contact and being held by anyone fill the avoid among us for physical interaction with another human? Or does the person holding you need to be someone you really care about and long for in order for it to make a difference in your life to make the emptiness you feel when you sleep at night disappear?

The Lush That Loves…Everyone

A little bit of love in every sip

So since I am not a frequent alcoholic it is safe to say that it doesn’t take much for me to go from sober to being a complete drunken mess. More than two drinks and suddenly the floor and me are becoming good friends (Guys you should love this fact about me…two drinks equals cheap date, monetarily speaking of course). However two things are most likely going to happen when I drink, I most defiantly will begin to love everyone, and there is a small chance I might start to get naked (when I drink I seem to not like clothing very much).

I know alcohol makes people’s in habitation low, but I feel as if I totally lose any sense of proper behavior. When I drink I literally love everyone, and constantly feel the need to repeat this fact verbally and by hugging anyone within three feet of myself. It is one of the few times that I am truly grateful to be single (not sure how many boyfriends would appreciate me confessing my endless love to everyone, even if it is all in a friendly manner).

Last Friday, at my going away party, it was the first time I had drank more than two drinks in some time. And last Friday was once again no exception to me loving everyone in sight. (Thankfully there was no disrobing, that’s not something I would encourage to do in front of coworkers). I was more talkative than ever (if you guys can believe that), and hugging everyone in sight while I told them how much I loved them and would miss them. I am sure I put on one very amusing show for those who witnessed it.

But I came to the realization that it was one of the great luxuries to being single. No one’s feelings were hurt, no ones ego bruised on my mission to spread world love to those around me while I tumbled to the floor constantly. One of the upsides to not having someone to come home to is that I am free to act in a manner that those in relationships no longer cannot. Do I frequently act like this, no, I am happy to report I am not a real lush, but having the ability to act and not think of how it may make someone else feel is a bit liberating. Relationships in that way become a constraint, they may keep you from truly being yourself around others, or expressing to others how you just simply love them for being such great people (because when you are in a relationship I feel as if you are expected to put all your love towards one individual).

So I wonder is what I need in me a few drinks to tell those around me how I really feel both friends who I care about, and those who I may be crushing on? I mean when your drunk going around loving everyone is sort of funny and not so strange. Would people view it as peculiar erratic if when I was sober I just wanted to remind those around me how much I really do care about them, or if  could finally find the courage (without the liquid) to tell him how I feel?

Shh Girl Don’t Say It

I wanted to tell you so badly, the moment couldn’t seem any more right. But I kept my mouth shut in fear of complete and utter rejection and uncomfortable feelings between us both. I have been telling myself for weeks that it was no big deal, I would be a big girl and just be like ‘hey I like you…just thought you might want to know’. But every moment I thought I might blurt these words out my frontal lobe went into over drive to make sure I said anything but what I wanted to. The brain has a funny way of torturing you more than you really need to be.

I know I have touched on this topic before, the terrible position of having a crush on someone who has no idea. I thought maybe if I threw myself into the dating world and tried my luck that I would get over it. I’m sad to report back to you all that I have not. No matter how many men I find attractive, or how many first dates I attended with an open mind, at the end of the day all I can think of is this pathetic school girl like crush. To be honest, I think I am too old, and too busy for my mind to be concerned with such silly nonsense. But since it seems my head has little control over my heart (which is funny because my head does a decent enough job controlling everything else, even when I would rather it didn’t), I guess I must just put up with this feeling until it will hopefully fade. Years down the line I won’t even remember I ever felt like this way about you before.

Even though I strictly do not believe in playing games, I also have a bit of common sense and know whats understandable behavior for a 23-year-old women. For now Mr. Fits-The-Bill you will continue to be my little school girl secret crush. What can I say, I’m a punk.

So I wonder how do other individuals who find themselves crushing on someone handle such a situation. Do you keep the information under lock and key and just wait around hoping they may notice you? Or should I simply just be a big girl and tell you, I mean whats the worst that can happen? You telling me that you’re not interested and then it would be the end of it, but in the end that’s not such a terrible out come, I could handle it.

Work Polygamist

I have been thinking of single in a broader context, and came to the realization that there are indeed parts of my life where I am anything but single. Work for example is a prime example on which I am in multiple relationships at one time, making me (and everyone else that has a job that involves working with others) sort of a polygamist. In a strange way I am in a committed and serious relationship with each one of my clients and co-workers. Each relationship takes time and work, and in order for things to be efficient at work, I have to work on each of these relationships.

At work there is no such thing as getting out of a bad relationship. If there is a co-worker for instants that you seem to find yourself strained and annoyed with you cannot simply give in and say ‘Oh well there are plenty more fish in the sea’. No, because if you want to keep your job then you need to work at it, and fix it, it’s really more of an art form then anything else. But at times you are able to juggle all these relationships and make them all work and link together, and that’s exactly how work teams are formed and function. It’s all one inter connected and linked relationship.

For a girl like myself you usually thinks of herself as single (due to the constant reminders in her life…oh my family, I need to update you all on that) it is sort of a revelation to realize that some times I am able to depend on someone other than myself. But I also now wonder if my singleness in my personal life is partially due to my over bearing amount of work relationships that I have seemed to form between having two jobs. If I commit to making each of those work, so that at work everything works well then it leaves very little room to squeeze someone else in.

And now that I am moving on from one of my jobs I feel as if I am breaking up with so many different people at once. It’s a strange and absurd feeling, and I wonder if I feel this way simple because I am a lunatic and my entire life is for the most part focused around work. Or does every average Joe that works with other individuals feel this same kind of work polygamy that I have described?

The Awkward Threesome

This is a topic I have been meaning to cover since I have started this blog. The title may be sort of deceiving; I am not referring to any kind of sexual act. The Awkward Threesome is a label I use for a certain kind of situation I find myself in often. It’s about being the third wheel, intentionally in a way, because well your hanging out with your friends…your friends who happen to be a couple.

Alright you two, we all know you guys are in love....

I have always found myself in this situation, for years. I maybe hanging out with one friend or another and then suddenly I am hanging out with them and their significant other (who may also be a friend of mine, or eventually with time becomes one). And even in relationships/couples that don’t display PDA every few seconds as if they are in some kind of race to prove they are the most loving couple out their, they still have their own unique little corks that although are cute at times, still make me long to no longer be single (or be around them at that moment). Some times its easier for me to ignore, I just focus on what we are doing or where we are. I make silly little jokes to mask that I may myself at times feel a bit uncomfortable when they hold hands or steal a kiss when they assume I can’t see. I am always happy for them, knowing that they have found someone to share life’s little secrets with, but spending my time hanging around couples is also a reminder that I still have not found my secret keeper.

Maybe you guys should get a room. That hand isn't covering much...

Even when I hang out with only half the couple the presence of the other is always around, within conversation or within the potential that once they get out of work or finish what they are already doing they will be joining us. I am somehow always the third person, the single friend with nothing to do that’s just hanging around (the single friend with funny single stories), and when I leave then they can have some possible alone time. And it’s not as if I find myself in this situation with one or two friends, all my friends seem to be constantly in serious relationships. And I could hang out with four or five different people in one week and still find myself in the Awkward Threesome situation.

A friend of mine, Traci, once told me that people surround themselves in situations that they wish for themselves. And although it is very true that I myself would like to be in a relationship, and be someone’s girlfriend, I highly doubt I will find this special someone if I always hang out with couples and those already attached to someone. I am definitely not the kind of girl to be attracted to men who already belong to someone else; to me that’s nothing but trouble. Nor is that what I’m looking for or would ever imagine, so don’t worry ladies I’m not any kind of threat around your man.

This is my cue to leave!

I guess when I finally do someone at least it won’t be hard to find other couples to hang around with, and I am in no danger to putting my friends into the Awkward Threesome situation since they are all already accounted for. However, until then I guess if I want to see my friends I will have to place myself in this slightly awkward position, and just deal with it. Their affection and slight cases of PDA cannot be the cause to my longing to not be single. I just have to smile and remember when two people love one another they some times forget when someone else is in the room.

So I wonder do I surround myself with couples because I crave so badly to be in one or am I really keeping myself from finding someone to love? It’s really hard to say either way because my friends are who they are, and being part of the awkward threesome just seems to be destined to be part of my regular life.

Let’s Call It ‘Hanging Out’

Although I do not date often, I have had my share of bad first dates. And since joining the online dating world, first dates with men I don’t know have become part of my life (some times any ways, when I am not busy working or attempting to study, meditate, hang out with friends…but just end up watching TV instead). When I had first joined Jdate I had been on about four maybe five first dates, all of them leading absolutely no where (as you all can see). Since joining OkCupid about a month and a half ago it seems my luck maybe changing a bit (although I rather not jinx it).

This past weekend I had my official first ‘first date’ with a guy I met on OkCupid…let’s call him Mr.1^st Date. It all had started off about three maybe four weeks ago, he messaged me first a simple one sentence message. I looked over his profile, my age… check, went to college… check, taller than me… check, cute…double check! And so I messaged him back. We continued to message each other daily for about a week and a half when I suddenly gained some courage and ask him if he wanted my phone number. I know not standard for a girl to do, but as you all may know I just hate playing games. He said yes and we began texting each other daily, he even asked to hang out with me one time but due to the fact that it was a week before my trip to Mexico I asked him if it could wait until I arrived back home.

When I returned home from Mexico and was on OkCupid, I received a message from another guy who fit even more into my check list then the first. We began messaging and within days we ended up having a rather long conversation threw IMing. He asked me for my Facebook but I decided I was better off giving him my number instead. (Not that my Facebook has anything incriminating, but some how I felt Facebook was more personal than my number, oh technology these days). He also gave me his number, and I was not going to write it down at first (some thing I do so I don’t get my hopes up) until I saw it, within his phone number, in correct order was my lucky number 169. That number has been popping up randomly in my life as far as I can remember and for the past four/five years I have started taking it for some kind of strange sign from the universe.  And so I had decided I had to write down his phone number, and I just had to text him the very next day (I know, I know…spare me your dating rules). Let’s then call him Mr.169.

Some how things worked out that between texting both Mr. 1^st Date and Mr. 169 they both ended up asking me out on official ‘dates’, well the very same day (the dates themselves would be within the same week, I would never agree to two dates in one day, that would be ridiculous). I somehow felt very strange about all this, as if it wasn’t fair to one or the other that I wouldn’t be some how only dating one of them at a time (even if it would only amount to just a two first dates). I had never had two dates with two different men lined up for the very same week, it almost seemed unreal. And so I talked to my friend about it, and her advice was simple: “Don’t think of it as dating…think of it as hanging out”. And some how her advise helped, my unnecessary guilt went away, I was more than allowed and it was more than okay to hang out with multiple people within the same week.

And so on Sunday after a little over four weeks of talking through different forms of media & technology I finally met Mr. 1^st Date. The ‘hanging out’ portion of it was simple; we took a walk, nothing fancy but defiantly a great way to get to know someone. And defiantly no pressure that you would get on a dinner and a movie date that most first dates poses. And so we hung out and talked about ourselves (to be honestly I mostly talked…I always do. But to be fair he said it was a good thing because he hardly talked). We spent about three hours together, and it was nice and he was sweet, and at the end there was a simply hug. And to be real I couldn’t have asked for a better first ‘hanging out’.

My ‘hanging out’ session with Mr.169 has not happen yet, its scheduled for later this week, although we are still texting each other daily (nothing too serious). And to be really honest, I am very much looking forward to meeting Mr.169. But I refuse to get my hopes up to high because we all know how that can go. I will just have to take it as it comes, and let my imagination not over due itself like always. But to be honest this recent increase to my ‘hanging out’ life has defiantly raised my self-esteem, and put me in an all around better mood.

So all this made me wonder, after being date-less for over six months how is it that I ended with two dates…sorry hanging out sessions, within the very same week, with two potentially great guys? Maybe I should hold my breath until either of them progress a little more, don’t know where this sudden streak of good luck is coming from but I sure don’t mind it.

Meditation Failure

I find it so comical that in almost every aspect of my life I am completely defined by singleness, but within my mind and thoughts I am in multiple relationships at once. Let me explain, before you begin to think I am saying that I have multiple personality disorder. Recently I had decided that in order to clear my mind, and relieve stress in my life it would be a good idea to start meditating. I never realized how hard it is to simply think of one thought and to embrace that one thought and seclude yourself to a single relationship within your mind.

Within seconds my mind can flicker between multiple thoughts and ideas, both stressful ones and happy thoughts. Not one thought stays more than a few minutes, and I find my mind juggling multiple relationships and ideas at once. It’s impossible to think straight and even more so impossible to relax.

Who can meditate with all this clutter? (side note: my mother says my messy room is part of the problem of why I can't find a boyfriend)

Every time my mind flickers to the next thought I feel as if I have cheated on the last, not spending enough time to really contemplate it and in turn confuse and stress myself out. Sitting on my floor, cross-legged, closed eyes trying to imagine one singular happy thought, I found myself more stressed out then before I even started. How could my mind not understand the idea of single hood when my life was so centered on it?

I keep looking at all my meditation books, and keep pushing them away, and delaying it. I cannot seem to understand what it is, but I am terrified to clear my mind, to drain it of all its constant clutter. Or to have to settle on one single happy thought.

Mediation is also about being with one’s self, letting go of everything else in the world and focusing on the self. Being alone. By far one of my biggest fears is to be alone, in life and in mind. Maybe it’s why my journey to finding love, a better half, may come off as a bit extreme, and over exaggerated. But the idea of being alone terrifies me, and since it is such a reality in my every day being, it’s even harder to make it part of my mind. Have I totally given up on meditation? No, but it will take some time before I am really able to face it, the idea of being totally and fully alone in both mind and body.

So I wonder what is it about being alone that terrifies me so much. And if meditation is something I crave will it make me happier, or will it make me even more aware of my state of single hood, and by default more terrified of the idea of singleness?